Let’s Be Less nice in the Workplace

Hang on, hang on. Stick with me.

I’m not advocating for rudeness, meanness, or disrespect. But I think the emphasis on nice (over, say, kind or clear) can get in the way of effective communication–and reinforce some pretty awful power systems in the process.

For instance, one of my current clients has explicitly asked me not to beat around the bush, or restrain my feedback to spare his feelings. From his perspective, our work is more effective if our exchanges are clear and direct–while remaining mutually respectful. Having worked with him for a few months now, this means we’ve built some trust that might have taken longer if either or both of us were prioritizing nice. It’s worth noting at this point that both of us are white and relatively financially secure, because–

Niceness, as its root, is a form of politeness. And polity has its older, gnarled roots in pots like classism and racism. That’s a big claim, but even a cursory glance at methods used to control behaviors of marginalized groups finds that ultimately-deadly court cases have been brought for actions as small as not bowing to the right person. My literary-trained brain is spitting up reflective examples ranging from Gawain and the Green Knight to The Color Purple.

If polite and its close cousin nice are functionally expressions of power systems, they can be extra challenging to navigate for colleagues and clients who exist in different power systems from us. Tone policing. Power dynamics in boardrooms. Who gets to speak in a community. All of that can be controlled with an excessive emphasis on being nice.

Instead, we should build systems of mutual kindness and respect that allow all of us to express ourselves clearly and directly. This is, of course, easier said than done. But if we all take a moment next time we’re starting down a rote roundabout statement to be nice–if we think for half a second about whether what we’re about to say is actually kind or even clear, we can take a step toward building communication habits that might do us all a lot more good.